There has to be some law, somewhere, that eating trail mix (consisting of countless kinds of nuts) on an airplane (where, let’s be real, peanut allergies are to the 2014 human population as the AIDS epidemic was to NYC’s gay men of the 1980’s) is unlawful. I mean, Food Allergy Research & Education claims that over 15 million Americans suffer from food related allergies, and peanuts allergies are one of the most commonly noted. (Side note: Yes, of course I googled that and went with the first result that came up. I mean, the source sounds legitimate, so whatever.)
So what the hell does this have to do with my Jewish gay life? Absolutely nothing. My snarky AIDS epidemic comment is about as homosexual as this article gets- I’m sorry. But this really did happen.
A few days ago, I traveled to Boston for a college visit. It involved a plane ride that lasted a little over three hours, so you better believe that I brought myself some snacks for the ride. And by snacks. I mean lots of trail mix. Cool. (Note: Just a cautionary comment so that my new readers don’t think I’m creepy for the images in this blog post. Even though I am. My close friends are aware of my really weird flight habits- I take pictures of people on my planes and nickname them using the brilliance of alliteration. Hence: People of the Planes. I am now ready to come clean: I am addicted to taking pictures of passengers on airplanes. But with great addiction, comes great responsibility. And I am now ready to take on my civil duty of presenting to you the personalities of these great individuals.)
Here was the super rad human being that I had the honor of sitting next to on the way to Boston. Featuring my chin.
I creeped his computer screen (that he is looking so deep in thought at) and saw e-mail exchanges involving divorce attorneys. So, either this dude is getting divorced or he IS the divorce attorney. Regardless, my condolences. I referred to him as Divorced Dan.
Now, what the actual hell does this have to do with a peanut allergy? Mostly nothing. Except that I was minding my own business, eating my trail mix during take off, and then naturally, I fell asleep. As most people do on “long” flights. And I had the most disturbing dream ever. (I almost began this post by jumping into the following dream, with no explanation, to scare the shit out of readers. But, I kind of didn’t want to get sued or for you all to get the wrong idea that I was a malicious human being who selfishly ate peanuts next to people without knowing their personal allergy issues.) Anyways, this is what my twisted subconscious mind dreamed about:
Super-official-sounding-pilot: Flight attendants, please prepare for take off.
Me: *opens my huge pack of trail mix and eats with great relish*
Divorced Dan: *face begins to turn red as throat closes*
Me: *thinking he is fuming because he really wants trail mix and is probably too embarrassed to ask, which is why his face was blushing*
Me: *being a gold star passenger and kind human being* Divorced Dan, may I offer you some trail mix?
Divorced Dan: *body blows up and inflates like a balloon* *begins seizing*
Random Passenger Who Happens to be a Doctor: Oh my god! He is allergic to peanuts! *runs to Divorced Dan only to look up with puppy dog eyes filled with sorrow* He is dead.
(Note: I have no idea what actually happens to people with airborne peanut allergies. I’m pretty sure they don’t seize, and I have no idea if they turn red or inflate or whatever, but apparently that was my subconscious mind’s idea of an allergy attack, so please just ignore my imagination. As well as that run on sentence. I’m just telling you how it is, and the harsh realities and imagery of my dream. YOU DESERVE TO KNOW THE TRUTH. I mean, that’s what happened, okay?)
I awoke in a panic. My arm hit Divorced Dan as I shot up and began panting. Pretty sure my arm spasm caused many typos in his e-mail to, debatably (Auto-correct says that that is not a word, but whatever. I’m inventive. Screw the system.) his divorce attorney. Sad. My apologizes, Divorced Dan. Who cares though, I was just happy that he was alive because I absolutely thought that my dream was real for a few seconds.
That pretty much concludes my bizarre story of Divorced Dan featuring Trail Mix. But that is not the end of my People of the Planes (POTP) segment. You see, I had a seat right next to the bathroom. So, naturally, my ridiculous self took pictures of almost every person who got up to pee. I present to you my favorite people of Thursday afternoon’s MIA to Boston flight:
Grey hair, don’t care. Cause I’m rockin’ my turtleneck zip up.
Wendy-Wu, Sparkly Toms Warrior
(You can’t see too well in this dark photo, but this Asian was seriously wearing sparkly Toms. Like, I don’t even need to comment.)
Lost In Thought Lilly
In the arrrrrrrms of the annnngeeeelllllsss *except a slightly more sinister version because she kind of looks like she is formulating an evil plan*
AND MY ABSOLUTE FAVORITE:
Let it go, let it go… Long flights never bothered me, anyway.
I am sure you are very impressed by my professional-looking stalker pics, but just to prove to you that I am (surprisingly) not a super human, I will also include some token fails. Because, everybody makes mistakes:
(I mean, do you know how hard it is take photos of strangers without them realizing???)
Plane compartment featuring some shadows.
1/8th of Lost In Thought Lilly’s head.
And a blurry photo of some guy that I named Whimsical Walter White because he looked like a slightly more overweight version of Walter White from Breaking Bad.
That’s all folks.
Special thanks to the POTP Boston Flight for consenting to having their pictures posted on the internet. Oh, wait…